


uvu

by kiitemiru



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Memes, Why Did I Write This?, bad punctuation and grammar and spelling and everything, do not take it seriously!!, ok im gonna be honest this is straight up crack, rated t because hank has a potty mouth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-29 03:27:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16255721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiitemiru/pseuds/kiitemiru
Summary: Gavin and RK900 visit Hank and Connor at their home.





	uvu

**Author's Note:**

> if you haven't seen [threi's art](http://threi.tumblr.com/post/175562952111/uvu) on tumblr yet, oh boy are you missing out

it is nice morning. birds shouting outside. a single cat dances quietly on the street. the sun shoots thru the curtain like a laser pointer. angryily hank says, “shut the fuck up” to the sun and connor is confused. he is still sleeping. who? idk whatever it's not important ok

the nice morning is rapidly and swiftly rudely interrupted suddenly and unexpectedly extremely abruptly by the ringign of the doorbell of hank andersoN’s home. “connor get the door” groans hanky. “no” says connor. he does not want to get the door. he is a free boi now. “you do it.”

“FINE” grumbles hank. grumpily he gets out of the bed and falls on his face. it hurt. like his pride. connor is recording the memory in long term storage. he tries 2 laugh but it comes up as a biocomponent #9504l error. connor will not try to laugh again. hank is now xtra grumpy and the stupid ass doorbell is still ringing but he don’t giv a fuck they can ring the bell until they die out there on his porch for all he cares.

the ringing pattern starts changing into some kind of idk demon shit or smth. connor starts laughing. “it’s morse code” he wheezes, following hank to the door. “what’s it mean” hank squints. of course he knows morse but it’s 2 early in the morn for this and why not let the walking supercomputer do the work eh???

“they’re saying ‘wake up lieutenant it’s me, connor” says connor, still laughing his weird android robot laugh.

“no u” hank mumbles. he needs. A drink.

“aw dang u got me :((“ connor says in a sad way. “they are actually saying ‘answer the fckign door’”

“i knew it, u trick ass android”

dreading the moment, hanky opens the door. on the other side are his least favourite two pepople on the entiRe dpd. if it isn’t gavin reed and connor-but-tall-and-scarier. they r lookin v serious. hank wonders what is up. maybe the coffee machine at the precinct finally broke. they were considerin replacing it with an android which spits coffee from its mouth and calls everyone dirty, dirty names but no one liked that idea except connor and rk900. dumbass androids and their tendency to stick everythign in their MOUThs for “”””analysis”””” yeah right more like oral fixation

“its my day off. what the hell are you doing here” hank demands, eager to shut the door in their stupid faces. well gavin’s stupid face. if he calls rk900’s face stupid, he is by proxy calling connor’s face stupid bc they are basically the same and he knows connor will not like that. he might cry becasue hank hurt his feels again, his poor poor android feels. when connor cries it’s like u had a puppy and then u took its fav chew toy and then it looks @ u with those eyes and then u kick the puppy and then it makes a Sad Dog Noise and u immediately feel like a terrible person so you go to the dpd and hand urself in for committing a horrible crime. so no one likes it when connor cries. sad

“hey we neeeed 2 ask u-” gaivn starts but he is cut off by hanks grumpy grumpiness.

“sfnkdjkkls get the fuck outta here” hank shouts with angery hand movements. he begins 2 shut the door on gavin and ostrich boy but the door is stuck with one foot belonging to a trash baby named gavin. “ow” he says, in minor pain. “did you mean owo” rk900 supplies but gavin is not amused.

“well well a violation of the law” gavin hoots but he is not looking at hank. he is not looking at connor either, which is strange because hank is definitely looking @ connor bc he is wearing a shirt that says ‘big dick is back in town’ and that is not hank's shirt which means that connor bought it himself. but why? hank wants 2 cry. why is he wearing That.

“what r u talking about” hank protests but the trash baby is already trying to shove him aside to get into his own house. this is outrageous. he looks at rk900 for help but rk900 is looking at the cat quietly dancing in the street with a blank expression. he wonders what goes on inside that big scary head. it’s certainly nothing like connor’s, because rk900 doesn’t seem to do a fraction of the weird shit that connor does. the other day, connor was doing his lil coin tricks when suddenly he threw it up and caught it with his mouth and then swallowed it and looked and hank before making it reappear out of a panel in his left thigh. what the ufck. speaking of connor, he is surveying the whole situation with a concerned face, but he is not moving to help hank. traitor.

“hOw dare you keep him from me??” gavin gasspspsps./, almost offended, as he again attempts to push past hank. hank is not having it. he pushes gavin back but the trash baby just tries again, like one of those stupid ass npcs that continually walk into walls or other people or the entrance of that cave you need to enter to complete the stupid side quest you accepted but the npc is just. there and you cannot pass. connor continues to just stand there like a dumbass. he looks sleepy. that’s stupid, androids don’t even sleep!! cute tho. meanwhile, rk900 is standing there sadly, now at a loss after the dancing cat moved onto a different dimension.

“nono no leave reed there is nothing to see here” hank protests desperately. gaviN continues to walk into him with the force of a gentle gen-z-shaped battering ram. goddamn 2000s chilDrEn!! why do they not listen!!!!! “fuckiGn take your stupide android and leave us alone”

rk900 does not look offended at being called stupid. in fact he does nto look like much at all. just standing there, staring off into the distance. connor looks concerned. his eyebrows are doing that tilty downy thing when he’s thinking about things. poor baby.

with one slightly, but not very, mighty shove, gavin succeeds in getting past hank. hank fights the urge to fall to his hands and knees and beat the floor with his fist in defeat. gavin glides in2 the house with all the grace of a pregnant elephant and immediately sits down next to sumo. sumo looks as if he doesn’t particularly care. “sumo! attacc” hank tries but sumo only borks like he did on the night that connor broke hank’s window and slapped him. good times.

“hank you old douchebag!” gaving declares, reaching out with a gentle hand to pat sumo’s big droopy head. “aaaaaaaaa so we finally meet,,,”

all three of them stare at the scene unfolding before their eyes with varying levels of incredulity. hank does not know if this is the same gavin reed whom he works with at the dpd and dreads seeing his stpid face and hearing his stupid voice every day. connor is so confused, so tired and confused poor bby someone help him please. rk900 is. what. he is still standing outside the door. what is he doing. maybe… maybe he cannot fit through the doorway. is he too wide??

“hello im from the police of cuteness, you are under arrest for being such an amazing wonderful incredible precious good boi!!” gavin coos. sumo barks, unsure if he enjoys the attention or not. hank looks at connor. connor looks at hank. they are both unsure of how to proceed. connor’s social relations program is failing him. he turns to google in his head instead. ‘what to do when your co-worker enters your house and assaults your pet with affection’

zero results. connor cries inside a little bit.

“wowwww what a cinnamon roll uvu aawwwaw”

connor looks at hank again. “why did he refer to sumo as a cinnamon roll. does he want to eat our dog.” he asks hank very seriously. hank has no words to respond. not because he can’t think of anything to say, but because he is so distracted by connor’s shirt. why does it say ‘big dick is back in town’. why. where did he buy that. who sold it to him. why is he wearing it. it is 6am on a thursday in detroit michigan and connor is wearing a shirt that says ‘big dick is back in town’ and gavin reed looks like he wants to steal sumo and rk900 is standing outside like detroit’s creepiest door2door salesandroid. hank has really reached a low point in his life.

desperate for answers, connor establishes a mental link with rk900, who is still just. standing outside. ‘help’ he begs. ‘uvu’ rk900 sends back. connor narrows his eyes.

‘why is detective reed displaying such strange behaviour???’

‘uvu’

‘please help us’

‘ovo’

“please go away” hank says. gavin ignores him thoroughly and continues to baby talk sumo. the dog looks like he is going to fall asleep. please please please just go away get the fuck out of here p l e a s e  l e a v e  m e  i n  p e a c e, hank thinks furiously, trying to make them go away through sheer willpower.

connor bursts into tears. are they angry? sad? frustrated? elated? rk900 looks slightly uncomfortable. “uvu?” he asks, troubled. hank pats connor’s back and glares swords at rk900. his led changes yellow.

“detective weed” he says sternly, the first proper word he’s said since they arrived. “there’s been a report of an assault. we must go. now. immediately. right this second. straightaway. at this present moment.”

rk900 strides into the house (hank was right, he is too wide. he has to turn sideways to go thru the door HAHA) and crosses to gavin in one big long step. hank looks at connor and whispers “can u do that??” but connor shakes his head sadly. “my leg too short” he laments sadly. he too wishes he could step long distances with his leg. but they are, unfortunately, much too short. looks like cyberlife gave him the short end of the stick. leg stick. stick leg?

they watch in fascination as rk900 picks up gavin with one hand and throws him over one wide shoulder. hank and connor begin clapping enthusiastically. sumo looks,,, almost relieved. gavin starts babbling. “we will meet again, you wonderful good boi!! i will come to visit you once more! i will dream of youuuuuuuuuu”

rk900 turns with a serious expression. “uvu” he says, nodding curtly and shutting the door behind them. gavin can still be heard shouting about what a good boy sumo is. an audible smack is heard afterwards, like two spidermans, and gavin is quiet.

hank looks at connor. connor looks @ hank.com

“did he-”

“i think it is best if we pretend we didn’t hear it happen”

“uh yeah sure im going back to bed, or i will be angery and it will not be fun. connor, play something relaxing, like uhh jazz, would ya?”

“ok. searching for: despacito 2”

“CONNOR N O”

**Author's Note:**

> uuuuuhhh thanks for reading?? i promise i have a proper fic for dbh in progress omg  
> i hope you laughed uvu  
> tell me your favourite parts because honestly i don't remember writing half of this lol


End file.
